A lanky guy in jeans and a red T-shirt announced that he had recently had an “awesome” time learning how to play with needles. A young woman in a Columbia ‘05 sweatshirt described her interests as “knitting, crocheting, flogging and bondage.” A studious-looking man in horn-rims identified himself as a “funny kind of sadist.”

Laundry lists of fetishes were ticked off as if they were top choices for graduate school. The group sidetracked into an erudite discussion of the psychological underpinnings of sadomasochism. Finally, club members got down to the business at hand, which was scheduling discussion topics, activities and outings for the semester.

First, even though it’s not readily apparent to most of you guys, the CV Executive Board receives emails almost weekly asking for advice, support, or some other kind of question. With CV’s growth, these emails are becoming increasingly difficult to respond to in a timely fashion and, more to the point, sometimes we just don’t have the expertise to answer the question thoroughly even though we know that one of you probably does.

That’s why we’d like to encourage everyone who hasn’t done so already to check out the recently-renovated CV Google Group, which hosts a public email discussion list that we’d love to see you join. In fact, if you’ve got an account here, you were already invited. (Don’t worry, you won’t get subscribed unless you accept the invitation, which is on its way to you right now if not already there.)

We’ll be pointing our many email corresponders to the discussion list in the future as well as trying (hard) to keep up with the load ourselves. Our hope is that with the discussion list, we’ll be able to involve everyone in this process more readily. We also hope that the discussion list will be a great place to just bring up whatever sexuality- or kink-related things you want to discuss.

Since the mailing list is not the only unofficial CV site, there’s now also a Related Sites page that lists some of the other places you can go to chat with fellow CV’ers online.

Finally, we’ve also begun to invite contributed event postings from readers just like you. This means that, if you’re inclined to do so, rather than simply telling us about upcoming events, you can post the events directly to our calendar yourself. Just request contributor status for your account via email and we’ll show you the rest. We’re really hoping event organizers will take advantage of this and contribute their own events to the CV calendar.

Do you run a kink group? Are your events on the CV calendar? Here’s looking at you, kid.

Can you believe it’s not even August and the new Executive Board has done all this? And September has even more letters!

In the article, May May and I talk about pleasure, pain and how those two things relate to [kinky] sex.

If you haven’t already seen the article, you should check it out on their website (it’s a PDF). The article is called “Tie Me Up: A Gadfly Interview with Conversio Virium” and begins on page 13 of the magazine.

Without notions of pain, we could not know pleasure—pleasure and pain, one might argue, are two sides of the same token. Or, as the following interlocutors might argue, one side of the same delicious, voluptuous token. In exploration of this latter view on pleasure-pain, Gadfly is proud to bring you an interview with Vice President Tyler and webmaster Maymay of Conversio Virium (CV), Columbia’s very own student BDSM club.

Read the rest of the article here.

Dear CV,

I am considering visiting one of the many establishments in NYC where one can purchase BDSM-related services. I am a complete novice to these activities but I am very interested in learning what they have to offer.

However, I am very concerned about the legal status of these businesses. Is it indeed legal to visit one of these places? Could one be arrested for being there and engaging in the fantasies that are described on their websites?

Thanks!

—Considering a Pro

Dear Considering a Pro,

Dungeons are indeed a legal enterprise in NYC. While prostitution is illegal in New York, commercial dungeons do not offer sex as a part of the services you may purchase. To define it more clearly: it’s legal to masturbate yourself, but the provider can’t do it for you.

So to address your concern, no, you should not have to worry about being arrested just for being at a dungeon or for paying to practice BDSM. Just remember to follow the code of conduct of the establishment, don’t solicit sex, and respect the boundaries of the provider you are spending time with.

Best,
Tyler and the other Officers of Conversio Virium

It’s fitting, then, that a recent email we received from a young woman asking for BDSM advice in a long-distance relationship found out about us via the excellent Go Ask Alice web site, whose superb advice and excellent model we hope to mimic here.

Hi! Ive seen your email on askalice and i thought youd be just the right person to help me.

My boyfriend is into BDSM and hes masochistic and wants me to dominate him…but the thing is this is a long distance relationship also, so we cant always be there 24/7. Im just wondering what are some things i can tell him over the phone to turn him on? I know some of the things hes into but im clueless on how to dominate him and turn him on over the phone.

-anonymous

Dear anonymous,

Thank you for looking to us for some advice. We aren’t experts at BDSM here at Conversio Virium, and even experts are still learning, but many of us do understand what it is like to begin since supporting one another explore these beginnings is exactly what the club is for. Here are some of our thoughts that may be helpful to you; try these on for size, and only accept the ones that you feel suit you and your boyfriend well.

Long distance relationships of any sort can be hard, but luckily for you and your boyfriend, the most important elements of kinky play involving domination and submission are a lot more psychological than physical. The reason for that is because when your goal is to make your partner feel submissive, which is psychological construct of having less power than another person, you don’t need any real-world toys like ropes as you would with a physically-based desire such as wanting to be restrained.

So, first off, be aware that what you’re going to start learning about is how to use fantasy and imagination—dirty talk, in other words—to play with one another. Both you and your boyfriend are going to start exercising the “biggest sex organ” in each other’s bodies: your brains.

Every person is different, and what makes one person feel submissive and dominated may not be the same thing that another person needs to feel that way. Universally, however, we find that being dominated by someone who isn’t enjoying dominating is a lot less fun than being dominated by someone who’s really getting off on it. For that reason, and because we strongly believe in reaffirming the critically important nature of playing with sexual power exchange consensually, you really only ought to do this if you’re going to have fun. Lots of us at Conversio Virium think dominating people is loads of fun, so if you’re worried about not being excited enough, try it out and see how you feel.

That said, how do you dominate someone over the phone? Well, again, your main tool is your voice and your fantasies, so starting out by talking about one another’s fantasies conversationally is probably the best way to begin. As you get to know his fantasies better, and the more you talk to one another about them, you will learn what makes him feel dominated and what doesn’t, as well as what you like and what you don’t.

Since you cannot actually bite, hit or scratch him over the phone, it might be exciting for you to talk about doing these things to him when you will next see him. You can focus on the details of the activity, like the slightly salty taste of his skin in your mouth, or you can focus on a narration, like how you’ll hug him close and rake your nails at his back or neck. The upshot is that kinky phone sex is exactly the same as not-kinky phone sex, with the subject matter changed to match the participants’ kinky fantasies.

Another common way some people have fun with long-distance domination and submission (D/s) play is for the dominant partner to (consensually) enforce a set of rules for the submissive one. Typically, such rules are realistic versions of constraints of one or the other partner’s fantasies. Then, depending on how well the submissive follows the rules, they can either be punished or rewarded (which, because this is all supposed to be a lot of fun, can sometimes even be the same thing).

For example, some couples enforce a bedtime for the submissive to follow even when the dominant is not there to enforce it. Other couples enjoy restricting the diet of the submissive, and yet others have fun letting the dominant pick out the clothing the submissive will wear on a certain day (and often add a very sexy under-thing to boot!). The point of all this is simply to encourage the feelings of dominance and submission that you two enjoy to remain present throughout your time apart.

One very common, and very intense, form of a rule-making game like this that long distance couples often play with is restricting the number or frequency of orgasms the submissive is allowed to have without the dominant’s express permission. It’s sexy because it’s entirely explicitly sex-focused and it’s hot for D/s play because it has a lot of the earmarks of a power exchange dynamic. Maybe he’s only allowed an orgasm when he’s on the phone with you and you tell him he’s allowed.

This type of play is its own genre and is often called chastity play. Like everything else, there are nearly endless ways to go about playing around with it. Keep experimenting as long as you’re having fun, and stop or change what you’re doing when you’re not.

Obviously, with all these rule-games it is up to the submissive to honestly disclose whether or not they have been obedient and gone to bed at the right time, or wore the right outfit, and so on. There’s not much fun to be had in rule games like this without honesty. If it stops being fun, stop and re-evaluate what you’re doing by talking with one another and figuring out what changed, what worked, and what didn’t. Your fantasy life should always adapt to your real life, not the other way around.

The possibilities for D/s play over the phone are, as we hope we’ve given you a taste of, pretty much endless. They just require imagination and openness on both your parts. In the end, playing this way should encourage you to communicate more easily with each other by constantly talking about the things that make you hot, and should be enjoyable for both of you. No matter what type of dirty talk gets you or your boyfriend off, the main point to remember is that you should both speak up about how the things you have said in play made you feel.

Every person is different and likes to dominate or be dominated in different ways. Talk to your boyfriend, find out what he likes, tell him what you like, and go from there. We’ve often found that even just starting these conversations can be enough to get everyone involved a little flushed!

Best,
Tyler and maymay and the other Officers of Conversio Virium

Stand Up and Be Counted!

Participate in the Survey of Violence & Discrimination Against Sexual Minorities

September 19, 2007 b New York, NY - Susan Wright and Larry Iannotti would like to announce the launch of the second national Survey of Violence & Discrimination Against Sexual Minorities, being conducted in cooperation with the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. This survey includes all of the questions asked on NCSF’s ground-breaking 1998 Violence & Discrimination Against Sexual Minorities survey, and includes new questions on personal, business, and Internet discrimination experienced by BDSM-leather-fetish practitioners.

The link to the survey is on NCSF’s website: www.ncsfreedom.org

Please take a minute to fill out this anonymous survey even if you have not been a victim of violence or discrimination. Demographic data and information about participation in a variety of BDSM-leather-fetish activities are also being gathered. This survey will be distributed for one year, and the results will be
released in early 2009.

The results of this survey will be analyzed and compared to the 1998 survey, which found significant discrimination and violence occurring against BDSM-leather-fetish practitioners. The data may be used in court obscenity cases to prove that sexual minorities have been chilled on the Internet because of fear of prosecution. The survey also includes space for individuals to write about the discrimination they have faced, which will be helpful in illustrating the consequences of the negative stereotypes about BDSM-leather-fetish activities.

The survey is available on Survey Monkey (a secured survey hosting website that is used by the professional community) and can be accessed through the NCSF website: www.ncsfreedom.org.

Larry Iannotti, LCSW, is a professional social scientist and practicing therapist getting his doctoral degree through the City University of NY. Susan Wright is the Media Spokesperson for NCSF, and is accredited as a research assistant affiliated with CUNY.

[Kyle] is currently an associate brother in the New York boys of Leather, after being a full brother for a year and a half. From 2005-2006 he served as the Vice President for Conversio Virium, the BDSM discussion/education group of Columbia University. Kyle moved to Boston at the end of August and has started working as a bootblack at the Ramrod. While his primary D/s relationship is with Northeastern University’s School of Law, he still finds time to engage in extracurricular activities.

Just feast your eyes on all that sexy leather. If you’re going to be in the area, wish him luck from all of us here in New York!

Simon Doonan, egotistically calling himself “Scoop Doonan” in his article, writes about visiting The Noose before its final closing date, something CV blog readers will have recognized that we’ve touched on before:

“I’m here from The New York Observer,” I chirped, addressing the bloke behind the counter, adding, “I want to write about the closing of this important New York landmark.”

“There’s nothing to say,” he replied, staring contemptuously at my Gucci safari jacket, floral-print Paul Smith shirt, Prada cotton boating slacks and slip-on espadrilles. “We’re closing on August 31st. The end.”

I was gobsmacked. This was the first time in my life I had ever met anyone who turned his/her nose up at a bit of press. Accustomed as he is to the sound-bite flinging, press-hungry fashion world, your reporter found himself at a loss. Maybe it would help build a rapport if I purchased an item or two. I began to rummage: A massive rubber butt-plug would make a lovely minimalist doorstop, but I was worried that the dog might chew on it. The black latex tank tops had a certain je ne sais quoi, but were strictly off limits for Scoop: As a devotee of Carole Jackson’s Color Me Beautiful system and a swatch-carrying “Autumn” the darkest I can go is chocolate brown.

I’m not the least bit surprised this reporter got the greeting he did, and from the article it doesn’t seem as though Mr. Doonan was actually that surprised either. The generous among us might be willing to smile and nod at his instincts, though as he says himself, the benefit of the doubt can be a hard thing to give in a culture so used to being vilified and ridiculed by members of the press.

This reporter does touch on a potentially engaging discussion when he asks readers to ponder the question Is it possible that the mainstreaming of the sadomasochistic aesthetic killed The Noose? However, like much of the rest of the article, this speculation seems to be one that misses the purpose of shops like The Noose.

I think it’s safe to say that most of the patrons of such mom-and-pop fetish stores don’t shop there just for the fashionable clothes. We might be able to buy leather cuffs and bondage belts from Urban Outfitters, but I have yet to see silicone insertables make a splash in fashion.

Furthermore, the mainstreaming of the sadomasochistic aesthetic is hardly new. What we know of today as punk, goth, and even grunge fashion has its heritage in the culture of leather bars from decades long since past. So every day when I walk in Union Square I see teenagers wearing their Urban Outfitters branded leather cuffs and I wonder if they realize that they’d be flagging top or bottom in another context. I wonder if “Scoop Doonan” would realize it, too.

(Via Lolita.)

The Noose will be closing it’s doors permanently August 31, 2007. Everything is on sale. Whether you want a new set of cuffs, a leather jacket, or Corset. You’ll find your desired items at 50% or more off! Please phone the Noose to check that they are open for their schedule of hours. The answering machine at the store does not answer.

Most of their leather apparel is designed for men, but other items are more universal. You never know what goodies you might find. I was rather lucky myself. I got a large BDSM flag, a terrifyingly huge butt-toy, and a heavy new nightstick all for under $60.

For example, Tyler discovered what promises to be an interesting exhibit at the Museum of Sex. I’ve added some preliminary information about the Seventh Annual Polyamory Pride Day, and about an exciting presentation at LSM about breaking out of rigid kink stereotypes. And, of course, there’s plenty more!

Even though none of these events are officially related to Conversio Virium, we think it’s immensely beneficial to publicize these events to the rest of you, our fellow kinky and pleasure-positive New Yorkers.

What’s more, we want to invite you to help us fill up our calendar so we’ll all always have something fun to do around town! Simply let us know about an event and after briefly reviewing it, we’ll put it on our calendar. If you’d like to submit events on an ongoing basis, we encourage you to request contributor status to our site, which will allow you to submit any kind of content for publication, such as news stories. (You must first be a registered user to be a contributor.)

Just imagine it: a calendar full of alternative sexual lifestyle events right at your fingertips. Brought to you by, well, you!