Dear CV,

I am considering visiting one of the many establishments in NYC where one can purchase BDSM-related services. I am a complete novice to these activities but I am very interested in learning what they have to offer.

However, I am very concerned about the legal status of these businesses. Is it indeed legal to visit one of these places? Could one be arrested for being there and engaging in the fantasies that are described on their websites?

Thanks!

—Considering a Pro

Dear Considering a Pro,

Dungeons are indeed a legal enterprise in NYC. While prostitution is illegal in New York, commercial dungeons do not offer sex as a part of the services you may purchase. To define it more clearly: it’s legal to masturbate yourself, but the provider can’t do it for you.

So to address your concern, no, you should not have to worry about being arrested just for being at a dungeon or for paying to practice BDSM. Just remember to follow the code of conduct of the establishment, don’t solicit sex, and respect the boundaries of the provider you are spending time with.

Best,
Tyler and the other Officers of Conversio Virium

It’s fitting, then, that a recent email we received from a young woman asking for BDSM advice in a long-distance relationship found out about us via the excellent Go Ask Alice web site, whose superb advice and excellent model we hope to mimic here.

Hi! Ive seen your email on askalice and i thought youd be just the right person to help me.

My boyfriend is into BDSM and hes masochistic and wants me to dominate him…but the thing is this is a long distance relationship also, so we cant always be there 24/7. Im just wondering what are some things i can tell him over the phone to turn him on? I know some of the things hes into but im clueless on how to dominate him and turn him on over the phone.

-anonymous

Dear anonymous,

Thank you for looking to us for some advice. We aren’t experts at BDSM here at Conversio Virium, and even experts are still learning, but many of us do understand what it is like to begin since supporting one another explore these beginnings is exactly what the club is for. Here are some of our thoughts that may be helpful to you; try these on for size, and only accept the ones that you feel suit you and your boyfriend well.

Long distance relationships of any sort can be hard, but luckily for you and your boyfriend, the most important elements of kinky play involving domination and submission are a lot more psychological than physical. The reason for that is because when your goal is to make your partner feel submissive, which is psychological construct of having less power than another person, you don’t need any real-world toys like ropes as you would with a physically-based desire such as wanting to be restrained.

So, first off, be aware that what you’re going to start learning about is how to use fantasy and imagination—dirty talk, in other words—to play with one another. Both you and your boyfriend are going to start exercising the “biggest sex organ” in each other’s bodies: your brains.

Every person is different, and what makes one person feel submissive and dominated may not be the same thing that another person needs to feel that way. Universally, however, we find that being dominated by someone who isn’t enjoying dominating is a lot less fun than being dominated by someone who’s really getting off on it. For that reason, and because we strongly believe in reaffirming the critically important nature of playing with sexual power exchange consensually, you really only ought to do this if you’re going to have fun. Lots of us at Conversio Virium think dominating people is loads of fun, so if you’re worried about not being excited enough, try it out and see how you feel.

That said, how do you dominate someone over the phone? Well, again, your main tool is your voice and your fantasies, so starting out by talking about one another’s fantasies conversationally is probably the best way to begin. As you get to know his fantasies better, and the more you talk to one another about them, you will learn what makes him feel dominated and what doesn’t, as well as what you like and what you don’t.

Since you cannot actually bite, hit or scratch him over the phone, it might be exciting for you to talk about doing these things to him when you will next see him. You can focus on the details of the activity, like the slightly salty taste of his skin in your mouth, or you can focus on a narration, like how you’ll hug him close and rake your nails at his back or neck. The upshot is that kinky phone sex is exactly the same as not-kinky phone sex, with the subject matter changed to match the participants’ kinky fantasies.

Another common way some people have fun with long-distance domination and submission (D/s) play is for the dominant partner to (consensually) enforce a set of rules for the submissive one. Typically, such rules are realistic versions of constraints of one or the other partner’s fantasies. Then, depending on how well the submissive follows the rules, they can either be punished or rewarded (which, because this is all supposed to be a lot of fun, can sometimes even be the same thing).

For example, some couples enforce a bedtime for the submissive to follow even when the dominant is not there to enforce it. Other couples enjoy restricting the diet of the submissive, and yet others have fun letting the dominant pick out the clothing the submissive will wear on a certain day (and often add a very sexy under-thing to boot!). The point of all this is simply to encourage the feelings of dominance and submission that you two enjoy to remain present throughout your time apart.

One very common, and very intense, form of a rule-making game like this that long distance couples often play with is restricting the number or frequency of orgasms the submissive is allowed to have without the dominant’s express permission. It’s sexy because it’s entirely explicitly sex-focused and it’s hot for D/s play because it has a lot of the earmarks of a power exchange dynamic. Maybe he’s only allowed an orgasm when he’s on the phone with you and you tell him he’s allowed.

This type of play is its own genre and is often called chastity play. Like everything else, there are nearly endless ways to go about playing around with it. Keep experimenting as long as you’re having fun, and stop or change what you’re doing when you’re not.

Obviously, with all these rule-games it is up to the submissive to honestly disclose whether or not they have been obedient and gone to bed at the right time, or wore the right outfit, and so on. There’s not much fun to be had in rule games like this without honesty. If it stops being fun, stop and re-evaluate what you’re doing by talking with one another and figuring out what changed, what worked, and what didn’t. Your fantasy life should always adapt to your real life, not the other way around.

The possibilities for D/s play over the phone are, as we hope we’ve given you a taste of, pretty much endless. They just require imagination and openness on both your parts. In the end, playing this way should encourage you to communicate more easily with each other by constantly talking about the things that make you hot, and should be enjoyable for both of you. No matter what type of dirty talk gets you or your boyfriend off, the main point to remember is that you should both speak up about how the things you have said in play made you feel.

Every person is different and likes to dominate or be dominated in different ways. Talk to your boyfriend, find out what he likes, tell him what you like, and go from there. We’ve often found that even just starting these conversations can be enough to get everyone involved a little flushed!

Best,
Tyler and maymay and the other Officers of Conversio Virium