Conversio Virium

DSF Meeting: “Why can’t I meet someone?” with Shibari Warrior

It is an oft-cited criticism of the BDSM scene: “It’s too hard to meet women!” Indeed, many men feel that their attempts at engaging members of the opposite sex are consistently unsuccessful. It’s unfortunate that when something isn’t working, many men simply try to do more of the same. If asking ten women to let him rub their feet didn’t work, he’ll just try asking another fifty, thinking one of them will eventually acquiesce. Sadly, this just doesn’t work.

Thankfully, DomSubFriends is hosting a presentation all about meeting and playing with people in the scene called (appropriately enough), “Why can’t I meet someone?”. Thomas, aka Shibari Warrior is presenting this topic specifically for men who have trouble finding play partners:

Frustrated on why you cant meet anyone in the scene, whether to play or create a relationship? Geared primarily for males, Top/Dom or bottom/sub, the class is open to anyone who wishes to attend. The approach to the class will be a twofold concept of a book: the Book cover and the contents of the book. In the class we will discuss the problems people face and the means of overcoming them. The presenter will share his expertise from his time in the Marine Corps (the total person concept) and his current occupation in the fashion industry. If you want to make a change for the better, this is the class to attend.

In my personal experience, a few key guidelines have proven themselves to be invaluable. These are:

1. Vanilla rules apply. Just as certain common-sense rules of etiquette are followed in non-kink spaces, so too must they all be followed in kink spaces. Being in a BDSM dungeon does not grant anyone the right to be rude to anyone else.
2. Make conversation. Nine times out of ten, if you ask someone to play with you before you even say hello, you’re going to get turned down. Think about it: do you walk up to random women in bars and ask them to have sex with you? No, you talk to them first, you flirt. Do that in a BDSM club, too. If there’s some chemistry in the conversation first, then the apple of your eye is much more likely to say yes when you broach the topic of playing together.
3. Be generous. If you get turned down, be gracious and accepting about it. On the other hand, if your offer to play is accepted, then do something you are both going to like when you play and make sure your play partner knows how much you’re liking it while you’re playing. If you’re topping, this means you top with enthusiasm tempered with lots of care. If you’re bottoming, this means you’re reacting to what she’s doing because, remember, she wants to be having an effect on you. I don’t think I know a single top who doesn’t like noise, or squirming, or something of the sort as long as it’s an authentic reaction and not a big phony act. Conversely, almost all of them really dislike playing with a stubbornly stoic, silent, expressionless bottom.

(Do you know of an event that you don’t see on our calendar and want to share? Please send it in!)