Conversio Virium

Advice from CV: Tele-D/s and Long-Distance Domination and Submission

Conversio Virium has been a long-standing resource for young people seeking answers to their questions about kinky sex, the BDSM scene, and all kinds of other things. Most of the time when the officers and contributors to Conversio Virium get such questions we answer them privately, but now we’d like to try reaching more people.

It’s fitting, then, that a recent email we received from a young woman asking for BDSM advice in a long-distance relationship found out about us via the excellent Go Ask Alice web site, whose superb advice and excellent model we hope to mimic here.

Hi! Ive seen your email on askalice and i thought youd be just the right person to help me.

My boyfriend is into BDSM and hes masochistic and wants me to dominate him…but the thing is this is a long distance relationship also, so we cant always be there 24/7. Im just wondering what are some things i can tell him over the phone to turn him on? I know some of the things hes into but im clueless on how to dominate him and turn him on over the phone.

-anonymous

Dear anonymous,

Thank you for looking to us for some advice. We aren’t experts at BDSM here at Conversio Virium, and even experts are still learning, but many of us do understand what it is like to begin since supporting one another explore these beginnings is exactly what the club is for. Here are some of our thoughts that may be helpful to you; try these on for size, and only accept the ones that you feel suit you and your boyfriend well.

Long distance relationships of any sort can be hard, but luckily for you and your boyfriend, the most important elements of kinky play involving domination and submission are a lot more psychological than physical. The reason for that is because when your goal is to make your partner feel submissive, which is psychological construct of having less power than another person, you don’t need any real-world toys like ropes as you would with a physically-based desire such as wanting to be restrained.

So, first off, be aware that what you’re going to start learning about is how to use fantasy and imagination—dirty talk, in other words—to play with one another. Both you and your boyfriend are going to start exercising the “biggest sex organ” in each other’s bodies: your brains.

Every person is different, and what makes one person feel submissive and dominated may not be the same thing that another person needs to feel that way. Universally, however, we find that being dominated by someone who isn’t enjoying dominating is a lot less fun than being dominated by someone who’s really getting off on it. For that reason, and because we strongly believe in reaffirming the critically important nature of playing with sexual power exchange consensually, you really only ought to do this if you’re going to have fun. Lots of us at Conversio Virium think dominating people is loads of fun, so if you’re worried about not being excited enough, try it out and see how you feel.

That said, how do you dominate someone over the phone? Well, again, your main tool is your voice and your fantasies, so starting out by talking about one another’s fantasies conversationally is probably the best way to begin. As you get to know his fantasies better, and the more you talk to one another about them, you will learn what makes him feel dominated and what doesn’t, as well as what you like and what you don’t.

Since you cannot actually bite, hit or scratch him over the phone, it might be exciting for you to talk about doing these things to him when you will next see him. You can focus on the details of the activity, like the slightly salty taste of his skin in your mouth, or you can focus on a narration, like how you’ll hug him close and rake your nails at his back or neck. The upshot is that kinky phone sex is exactly the same as not-kinky phone sex, with the subject matter changed to match the participants’ kinky fantasies.

Another common way some people have fun with long-distance domination and submission (D/s) play is for the dominant partner to (consensually) enforce a set of rules for the submissive one. Typically, such rules are realistic versions of constraints of one or the other partner’s fantasies. Then, depending on how well the submissive follows the rules, they can either be punished or rewarded (which, because this is all supposed to be a lot of fun, can sometimes even be the same thing).

For example, some couples enforce a bedtime for the submissive to follow even when the dominant is not there to enforce it. Other couples enjoy restricting the diet of the submissive, and yet others have fun letting the dominant pick out the clothing the submissive will wear on a certain day (and often add a very sexy under-thing to boot!). The point of all this is simply to encourage the feelings of dominance and submission that you two enjoy to remain present throughout your time apart.

One very common, and very intense, form of a rule-making game like this that long distance couples often play with is restricting the number or frequency of orgasms the submissive is allowed to have without the dominant’s express permission. It’s sexy because it’s entirely explicitly sex-focused and it’s hot for D/s play because it has a lot of the earmarks of a power exchange dynamic. Maybe he’s only allowed an orgasm when he’s on the phone with you and you tell him he’s allowed.

This type of play is its own genre and is often called chastity play. Like everything else, there are nearly endless ways to go about playing around with it. Keep experimenting as long as you’re having fun, and stop or change what you’re doing when you’re not.

Obviously, with all these rule-games it is up to the submissive to honestly disclose whether or not they have been obedient and gone to bed at the right time, or wore the right outfit, and so on. There’s not much fun to be had in rule games like this without honesty. If it stops being fun, stop and re-evaluate what you’re doing by talking with one another and figuring out what changed, what worked, and what didn’t. Your fantasy life should always adapt to your real life, not the other way around.

The possibilities for D/s play over the phone are, as we hope we’ve given you a taste of, pretty much endless. They just require imagination and openness on both your parts. In the end, playing this way should encourage you to communicate more easily with each other by constantly talking about the things that make you hot, and should be enjoyable for both of you. No matter what type of dirty talk gets you or your boyfriend off, the main point to remember is that you should both speak up about how the things you have said in play made you feel.

Every person is different and likes to dominate or be dominated in different ways. Talk to your boyfriend, find out what he likes, tell him what you like, and go from there. We’ve often found that even just starting these conversations can be enough to get everyone involved a little flushed!

Best,
Tyler and maymay and the other Officers of Conversio Virium

Announcing an Informal CV Social Group and its Debut Drink Night

Over the course of a few years Conversio Virium has grown from an insular group of five or so regular attendees to a whopping thirty-odd people showing up to meetings every Monday. Those Monday meetings are some of the best sources for BDSM education for younger people in New York City, and they’re a great place to meet fellow kinky students. But since kink is also a social activity, we also want to encourage people to have fun with one another outside of CV meetings.

And indeed, don’t many of us do so already?

So to take that to the next level, I’d like to briefly direct your attention to the Conversio Virium LiveJournal (LJ) Community, a place where a few of us in CV are hoping we can begin to organize semi-regular social outings just because they’re always a lot of fun! We’re thinking coffee shop get-togethers, bar nights, maybe the occasional “let’s totally take over a restaurant” dinners (Summer CV style), or whatever else we come up with. For instance, a bunch of CVers and their friends hit the movies a few weeks ago to see Sweeney Todd, because just think of the possible kink innuendoes with all those knives on screen. Also, evidently, Johnny Depp!

Everyone is invited to join or watch the Conversio Virium LJ community; it is an informal group started by CV members and has no official affiliation with Conversio Virium. It’s just that a bunch of us want a place in cyberspace for group socialization. Obviously, LJ rules do apply:

• You must have a LiveJournal (LJ) account. LJ accounts are free.
• In your profile, you must have a registered birthdate that implies that you are at least 14 years old because the community will deal with adult concepts, including various forms of human sexuality.

As an opener, we’re inviting everyone out to a bar night:

So, a few of us have done this before and it turned out to be such a huge success that, largely thanks to The Professor, it’s happening again!

A bar night (for those 21 and over, of course), will be tonight, Tuesday the 29^th, at O’Connells Pub on Broadway at 108^th Street at 8 PM. They’ve got pitchers of beer for $8 and a lot of space to hang out in. So if this sounds like your kind of thing, drop on by and have some fun with us.

Expect drinks, conversation, possibly lots of finger foods, and whatever else we all decide to bring along.

See you then!

CV Meeting: Brutal Affection with Felice Shays

303 Hamilton Hall is hot with anticipation for next Monday’s meeting. Join performance artist and sex-educator, Felice Shays, as she presents “Brutal Affection: Punching, Kicking, Slapping & Sex”:

It ain’t about the brawn. Regardless of your size, experience, gender, or physical ability, this highly interactive meeting uses scads of demos to teach you fierce, passionate methods of slam, slap, thud and mmmm. Learn to use your brain and a multitude of body parts to bring you and your partners to new found levels of physical, sensual, sexual intensity and intimacy. With humor, affection, straight talk, and smarts, Felice Shays will discuss and demonstrate technique, safety, partnered positions, head space, anatomy, and helpful items. Participation is optional—but we bet you’ll want more!

TES-TiNG: Dinner and a Show…the Rocky Horror Picture Show!

This weekend, TES-TiNG is hosting an excursion to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show. From the web site announcement:

Are you a virgin? Well, tonight’s your lucky night! Join us for a late dinner/snack at the Moonstruck Diner…then we’ll head over to Clearview’s Chelsea Cinema (260 W. 23rd St @ 8th Ave) for a midnight screening/performance of The Rocky Horror Picture Show! Can’t make it to the diner (It’s not easy having a good time!)? No worries…just meet us in front of the theater at 11:30 PM, and catch this cult classic with your fellow TNGers!

TES-TiNG: Florentine Flogging with Richard Cordage

Floggers are part of the classic kink iconography. They’re also a lot of fun. One way to make them even more fun is simpler (and prettier) than you might think: use two! TES-TiNG is hosting Richard Cordage’s next presentation on Florentine flogging, the art of using two floggers at once. For those of you into circus arts, think kinky Poi.

Who likes to play with a flogger? If you raised your hands, be sure to drop them before someone snatches your calendar. Having one flogger is almost a must in anyone’s toy bag, but when you have a passion for your multi-tailed whips you are sometimes at a loss as to which one to use first. Instead of just using one at a time, why not pick two, three, or four? Richard Cordage will show you how he evolved his fetish for flagellation.

Submit Party: BDSM play and sex party for women and transfolk

The monthly Submit parties are a space for women and female-identified transfolk to play, kiss, have sex, and talk to one another at a club and a party dedicated to fulfilling sex and BDSM desires. What happens at Submit parties? The web site says:

It’s really all about having big fun and satisfying your sexual and sensual fantasies and desires. You can watch all night if that’s what you want.

BDSM play from the mildest of spankings to the heaviest of scenes. Cruising, asking, and trying something or someone new. You and your date can make out in dark corners or fuck in the middle of the room. You and your friends can cruise till you all pick up that hot stranger and all go at it.

We’ll hook you up with gloves, lube, and condoms.

Thanks to ReKi of Recursive Kink for emailing to let us know about this event!

Pleasure Salon: Location Revival

The first monthly gathering of sex bloggers, queer activists, tantra, BDSM, and other pleasure-positive communities of 2008 is happening in a new location this time, appropriately called “Revival” at 129 East 15^th Street. From the invitation:

The Pleasure Salon has been created to build community, allowing sex-positive activists to cross-pollinate. Our gatherings bring together members of the BDSM, swinger, alternative gender, LGBT, sex-activist, nudist, sex-magic, polyamory, Pagan, radical faerie, tantra, dark odyssey, sex-blogger, porn, pervert and sex-worker communities, and others whose passion is sex. (Let us know if we missed any one of you!) Through building networks in the sex-positive community, The Pleasure Salon hopes to help create a sex-positive world. It is a place for the open exchange of ideas and sensual expression.

We have been thrilled by the turnout at previous gatherings. A community of New York area Pleasure Positive folks is developing rapidly, and we hope that you will join us or continue to be part of it. Please invite your like-minded friends. In keeping with the spirit of Dark Odyssey, we encourage everyone to embrace the basic principles of respect, tolerance, acceptance, openness, and non-judgmental support.

CV Meeting: Welcome back and Show and Tell!

CV is back with a vengeance after a long (and much needed) winter break. Join us for a relaxed meeting to connect with old friends, and to make some new ones. Bring something interesting and kinky to share (toys, anecdotes, yourself, etc.).

Please note, we have a new location for meetings this semester! Conversio Virium meetings will now be held in Room 303 Hamilton Hall. We’ll try to post a sign on our old room (301 Hamilton Hall) pointing you to come in next door to Room 303, but that sign won’t stay up long.

TES Meeting: The Ins and Outs of Fisting

Tonight, TES is hosting Danielle DV8’s presentation on one of the more intense sexual acts, fisting, and how it can be incorporated into a BDSM play scene, called The Ins and Outs of Fisting. From the presentation description:

Vaginal, anal, double fisting, fisting each other at the same time, lubes, enemas, relaxing your victim, scaring your victim, working a scene around fisting, restraint, safety, negotiation techniques and more!

Special thanks to Claire, who emailed me to let us know about this meeting.

BYTE Party: Tribute to the NYPD and FDNY

Tonight at 9:00 PM is the first BYTE Party of 2008. BYTE is a monthly fetish party where you can go see some of the hottest fetish fashions of the city, or dress up to be seen. From the party promotional material:

We will be Celebrating the birthday of Father Vincent! as well as hosting the CD release party for Recording Artists, Ambassador 21 (VENDETTA MUSIC)

[…]

$5 for fetish divas, creative goths, cyberpunks, material girls, fashionistas, alternative sexiness, and anyone who can leave their inhibitions at home! $10 for all black, $15 all else. 21 and over please…no exceptions! Make an effort, let yourself go!

Drink Specials: $5 vodka Red Bulls. $5 Bloodbaths. $6 Bud & kamikaze shot.

DSF Meeting: Panel Discussion on Building a Leather Family

There’s no doubt about it: BDSM is a social activity. It comes as no surprise, then, that for some people belonging to a visible community is one of the most important aspects of being “in the BDSM scene.” For some, the benefits and ideas of a community can be even further refined into the notion of a “leather family,” which can be loosely defined as a smaller, more nuclear group of individuals who share certain kinds of loyalties and affection, much like any other kind of family.

In this Friday’s presentation, DomSubFriends is hosting a panel all about building a leather family. From the presentation description:

We’ve heard many times the term folks in the SM community living in a “Leather Family.” But what does it mean, physically, emotionally and spiritually? What are the inner workings of a M/s leather family? What really goes on in a Leather household? How do they deal with jealousy, get their individual needs met, set rules, interact with the “real” world? These and many audience questions will be answered. Come early, grab and a seat and don’t miss this educational lifestyle presentation.

TES Bondage Group meeting: Medical Restraints

If I were to draw a Venn diagram showing bondage (a hugely diverse kink in itself) and medical play (another arena with incredible diversity), this meeting would show up smack dab in the middle of the space overlapping both circles. Medical restraints are, for many people, exactly what the intersection of medical play and bondage look like and—lucky folk!—there’s a ton of stuff to play with just in this niche. In fact, TES’s Bondage Group is doing an entire meeting all about Medical Restraints:

Various types of restraints from straps to straitjackets have been used to calm and protect patients throughout history. Come and explore various real medical restraints and learn how to add a new meaning to “medical play”.

This is the kind of meeting, as a bondage enthusiast, would attend to learn more about how I might branch out into a kink like medical play I’m not personally excited about. I don’t doubt that there’s probably a medical play enthusiast thinking the same thing….

Polyamorous NYC: Polyamory and Safer Sex

Let’s talk about sex. Well, obviously, but so much of the talking we do about sex is so fundamentally elementary that it quickly becomes evident that more detail is needed. To that end, I’m really excited to see Polyamorous NYC devoting one of their monthly meetings to the topic of sex and how to have it safely, and making it relevant for those living a polyamorous lifestyle. From the email announcement:

[W]e are very excited to have Morpheus, a nationally recognized sex-educator and safe sex expert facilitating our meeting on the topic of “Polyamory and Safer Sex”. He will be speaking about the in’s and outs of safer-sex and polyamory. Please join us for this exciting, first ever meeting on this topic.

TES meeting: CBT in a Nutshell with Lolita Wolf

The TES Dominant Women and Submissive Men SIG is hosting Lolita Wolf, self-described activist, educator, and author, as well as nationally-recognized and honored BDSM‘er for many, many years, to share what she knows about cock and ball torture (CBT):

Grab him by the balls and he will follow you anywhere. We’ll cover the psychological and physical ins and outs of the family jewels. Learn to safely control your man through the torments of bondage, pain and other sensations. Lolita is the author of “CBT In A Nutshell” and will have books/DVDs with her to sell and sign.

TES meeting: Titillating Tit Torture with Goddess Roze

TES’s general attendance meeting this Tuesday is all about Titillating Tit Torture, being presented by Goddess Roze:

From nipple clamps to clothespins to teeth, there are endless possibilities to tantalize tits and nipples. Goddess Roze, who has a particular fascination with this line of play, will help you get a handle on tit torture and nipple play, using a variety of devices, both purposeful an improvised. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg!

Hmm. A Tuesday TES meeting talking of titillating tit tortures? Why, all they’re missing is tea. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.)

Polyamorous NYC: Poly Cocktail Hour

A new poly-friendly gathering has started and could be lots of fun. Hosted on Monday nights at 7 PM on the border of SoHo, just be sure to get to CV on time if you do want to attend.

Come and bring your wife, husband, girlfriends, boyfriends and theirs and meet like-minded people. If you consider yourself polyamorous or to be in an open relationship, or are considering this loving and progressive way of life, you are invited to come and get advice and support, have some drinks and laughs, and build our community. To be added to the mailing list, or if you have any questions, please contact polyhour@gmail.com. Occurs on the second Monday of every month at Madame X at 94 West Houston Street (between LaGuardia Place and Thompson).

TES meeting: Talk with a Professional Dominatrix with Mistress Ardenne

This Wednesday Mistress Ardenne from RaptureNYC, a professional dominatrix, visits the TES Novice Group for a meeting simply titled Talk with a Professional Dominatrix:

The mysterious Pro Domme…. Many times we see her at a club or event and just wish we could have a few moments of her time, to ask her the many questions we have. Well…your wait if over. We are thrilled to bring you the lovely and talented Mistress Ardenne, from one of the top NYC Dungeons, “RaptureNYC” to do just that. We’ll be finding out the real inside story about professional domination. What kind of person goes to a Pro Domme? How does a Pro session differ from Lifestyle play? What are these Dommes really like? And…why you’ll wind up quickly being thrown the door if you don’t understand the etiquette of this world. Come armed with your questions—all will be revealed!

Though I’m wary of the obvious hype, I can personally vouch that Mistress Ardenne has done at least one spectacular presentation for TES before and I’m sure she’ll have a lot of interesting things to say. My only advice is the same for this meeting as it would be for a doctor’s appointment: don’t blindly believe everything you hear, and always get a second opinion.

GMSMA meeting: Harness Up Your Boy!

Everybody looks better in a harness. At this month’s GMSMA meeting, learn how to tie a great rope harness on your boy or go get yourself a pretty new accessory to your birthday suit.

Truss up your boy with a great looking rope body harness. A rope body harness is easy to learn and your boy will not want to get out of it! Our presenter will show you how easy it is and the fun in doing it.

Did we mention that harnesses are infinitely useful, too? Just think of all the perfect attachment points they have.

DSF Meeting: Lifestyle Intuition with Danielle DV8

So-called “gut” feelings and other kinds of “hunches” have long been thought to be silly, nonsensical things our bodies do when we’re nervous or unsure about something. Most of the time, we try to push them away and don’t listen but Danielle DV8, a practicing Zen Buddhist and self-described lifestyle submissive, Domina, and (consensually) owned slave for many years, thinks intuition plays an important part of good decision-making. She is presenting her take on Lifestyle Intuition at DomSubFriends this Friday. From the presentation description:

The exploration of what intuition is, the difference between feelings and thoughts (including paranoid thoughts and projection), how to practice identifying intuition, how to apply intuition to decisions and how to build faith in your ability to do all this.

This is a powerful, interactive clinic that has a goal of improving decision making by applying intuitive information. This is especially helpful for singles, newbies to the leather lifestyle, those with patterns of poor choices (partners, jobs, investments, etc.), those with insecurities (all of us), and those that wish to fine tune their intuitive abilities.